True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
