ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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