I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
zippers are such a cool invention
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
