chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
