Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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