see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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