you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
