his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
