I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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