Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
