I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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