if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
