Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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