it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
