Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i drank out of a bidet.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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