I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
