Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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