She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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