Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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