I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
