im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I want a musical about memes.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
