i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
