dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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