I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am available for nakedness
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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