Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize