I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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