i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
