I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
