i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
