I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have already put on my inside pants.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
