That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
so much tequila, so little girl.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
