my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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