After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
