It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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