I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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