I can text with my tongue
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
