i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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