I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
