Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
