I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I have feelings that need drinking.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
