Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
