can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
