Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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