Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
