I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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