we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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