i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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