a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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