its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
