just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
