drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
