A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
