I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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