Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
no more duck duck goose at the bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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