Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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