every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
