I wanna bring you to show and tell
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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