i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
