Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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