When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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