Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
