[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The adults are the big ones right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
