dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
