The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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