Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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