Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
